I get so angry with god sometimes. This is part of our relationship though. God knows this, I can tell when he winks at me. The reason I get so upset is because I often feel very lonely, what tears me apart further is myself really not caring, that I am surely quite "alone." He knows I can handle myself thus far.
Still there always seems to be this void I aim to fill. Perhaps I should just accept "The Unknown" as an Infallible Law. Come to terms with the possibility that it might be the void in me that in fact makes me whole.
I know that we are never detached from Earth and our higher power. I give my heart over to that current. However, I catch myself becoming lazier and lazier as I allow my blind faith to lead me forward. You know? If I am a moth to the flame, Shall it be Lord? So shall it be. All I'm getting at here in this moment, is that blind faith musn't stand and lead alone. We must fire it with logical action & filter out the greedy tar that we've come to believe is a part of us.
What tar do I have in me? Perhaps my "let it be" attitude towards life. Rarely do I ever apologize for who I am, unless who I am hurt someone. Even then I make it quite clear that Its just the way I am percieving life. I don't make any effort to contact interesting aquaintances because I believe we will run into eachother if we are meant to exchange company again. Its not that I don't care, REALLY! I just love every one on one universal level and my weeks would be to fucking busy to chat over tea with them all. So my close friends are few to none.
I've been studying myself through the eyes of others lately. Not always the best thing to do, but definately eye opening. At the end of the day I try to remember that its important for me to be happy with myself. That is entirely impossible to do if you try to please the world let alone every person on your path. I've discovered that some think I'm two faced and flaky. I'm not. I can see why they'd think so. How can I possibly get along with someone that doesn't believe in god, & then get along just the same with a die hard member of the LDS church? How can I talk with a methe-head, then have the same conversation with some one that never touched drugs in there life? Some one was peering into my personality, and explained to me that this can't be possible. In order to make friends and love certain people you have to make enemies and use some of your energy to hate on them. Its part of life, was her reasoning. You can call me a two-faced-cornflake all you want but it won't zoom me in. I prefer to stay zoomed fully out, gazing over the entire picture.
If I am to exort any sort of hateful energy. It will most likely be with the people I "love, Love" The ones I need in my life as long as possible. Before the stars eat us back up. *
As for that nice flaky personality quirk of mine. I don't really enjoy making plans. Especially when people talk up the event too deeply into their heads. I tell this to many, if you'd like to make plans with me, lets think of something to do, and not think about it untill it comes down to doing it. Our imagination can take us on some wild rides. But if we ride the thought of what might happen, before it actually does, reality comes and falls short of our expectation. So automatically, I loose intrest, I fly away to what ever catches my heart and I put forth everything I have for that moment. Past plans all of a sudden don't mean a thing to me. Apparently, I've offended a lot a people because of this. What can I say if you feed my visuals its as if we already took the adventure.
I've never been one to value promises. They seem made just so someone can break them. There is only one promise I'll keep. That promise is love.
Am I writing this for you, me, us or them? Perhaps this is me justifying my ways through blogging.
Who really knows, right?
Perhaps my indesciveness is a personal personality knot I'm to lazy to untie. Does that make me bitter, or cold-hearted? Does that prove that I am unwilling?
The way I see it is, why make descions with my mind? I'd much rather follow my heart. There is only one way home. One way to you.